Robert dropped to his knees, wincing slightly as he landed heavily on some prickly branches. He crouched low behind a bush and pulled out his weapon. He cast a skilful eye over it, ensuring it was fully loaded and in perfect working order. Robert peered out from behind the bush, squinting so that he could see through the gloom. Spotting his quarry, Robert raised his weapon. With his hand slightly shaking he took aim as the beast slithered towards him. He held his breath and pulled the trigger. His aim was superb. The beast let out a blood-curdling cry before fleeing into the darkness.
One enemy down. God knows how many left to go.
Robert reassessed the ammunition level in his Thunderstorm Super Soaker. There was plenty of water left in it for now. Robert’s Crazy Cat Lady neighbour kept bringing home more and more stray cats, feeding them and then letting them roam wherever they wished. Unfortunately for Robert, the damn creatures seemed to think that his front lawn made for the perfect litter tray. Well, he’d be damned if he was going to put up with it! So he went out and bought himself the best water pistol money could buy, and had spent the last week camping out in the front yard and squirting each cat as it started to squat to do its business. He liked to think of himself as the Feline Frenzy Freedom Fighter. So far the cats had the upper hand due to sheer numbers, but Robert was determined. He settled in for another long night on the battlefield.
Robert awoke the next day bleary eyed and battle weary. By the time he had downed three morning coffees, he decided he just could not go on like this, but defeat was not an option. It was time he enlisted further troops. He went online and found the answer he was looking for.
A few evenings later, Robert rolled over contentedly in his bed, each shriek of disgruntled cat like music to his ears. He couldn’t be more pleased he passed the mantle of Feline Frenzy Freedom Fighter on to his brand new motion sensor sprinkler. He may have retired from the battle, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t win this war.
- Written by Ash Oldfield 2013